Christmas Reengineered

  • Cast Number: 6
  • Run-time: 40 minutes
  • Bible Reference: Luke 2

A Christmas season comedy Christian dinner theatre script, excellent for outreach, shows changes of attitudes about Christmas, as three couples including (Frasier Show) Niles Crane and his wife work through Christmas. This is essentially a 3 act drama so there are logical breaks for serving the meal or dessert. Could also be used at other times of year.
Cast: Group I (their characters are Niles Crane and his ex-wife Maris from the Frasier TV show. Ensure that those who play these roles thoroughly research those TV roles: Robert, middle age, stuffy Janice, middle age, stuffy, mightier-than-thou
Group II: Lorna, middle age Mary, middle age
Group III: Pop, older Jessie, teen or older (NOTE: these roles could be both female or mixed male/female
Set: Dining room Food, dessert, etc., could be served at any point, likely at midway point
Costumes: standard except that Robert and Janice would likely be overdressed

Sample of script:

all actors are at their tables at the beginning

Group I
at the beginning Robert takes out a large handkerchief, dusts off his chair and polishes his silverware
Janice: Is this not a simply a divine meal?
Robert: Well, yes, it is actually quite good, although my meat was just a little overcooked, my potatoes a tad dry, my vegetables perhaps steamed beyond the limit and my coffee was far too strong, but other than that I surely can not complain.
Janice: What in the serving did get your overall approval Robert?
Robert: I thought the asparagus was quite good.
Janice: But you didn’t take any asparagus Robert.
Robert: Yes, I am aware that I did not take any asparagus Janice.
Janice: Then how could you know that the asparagus was quite good if you didn’t take any?
Robert: Janice, I looked closely at the asparagus as it was passed by me, and I can say it looked quite good.
Janice: You understand, Robert that is perhaps a weakness in our marriage.
Robert: You are saying the fact that I didn’t take asparagus is causing a problem in our marriage Janice?
Janice: Robert, you know very well that the asparagus is just the tip of the iceberg as it were!
Robert: The asparagus is the tip of the iceberg?
Janice: Did you know that is a very annoying habit you have Robert?
Robert: Me not taking asparagus is an annoying habit?
Janice: This goes way beyond asparagus Robert, don’t you see it’s all about how you always answer my question with a question?
Robert: I answer your question with a question?
Janice: There, did you notice, you just did it again?
Robert: I am truly sorry Janice, but have you considered that perhaps my job as a psychiatrist could be at the root of the problem? I mean, you do understand, do you not, that I am paid to ask questions?
Janice: Please Robert, everyone at the table here is watching us, just smile, then let’s change the subject. Let’s talk about this wonderful Christmas season.
Janice and Robert look around with large smiles pasted on their faces
Robert: Janice, I am not sure if this is the proper time to tell you this but everyone at this table is looking at you, and actually, well, you have a large spear of asparagus between your front teeth.
Janice, still smiling: Robert, I am simply going to die! Quick, hold up some mistletoe, kiss me and while kissing me, bite the asparagus out from between my teeth.
Robert, smiling: Perhaps you have forgotten darling, two things. Firstly I did not think to transport mistletoe when we left home tonight. Furthermore, through the miracle of orthodontics and braces I no longer have an overbite. So even if we were to kiss, which is a thoroughly engaging thought I assure you, I would likely not be able to grasp the asparagus.
Janice, smiling: I am simply going to die of embarrassment! Quickly, look at that couple over there at the next table!
Robert: Why would we do that darling?
Janice: Because if we start looking, everyone else will be compelled to look as well.
Janice and Robert start looking at table where Lorna and Mary are sitting
Robert: How thoroughly ingenious of you darling, I am impressed, and now everyone is looking over there. Bravo!
Group II
Lorna and Mary are talking
Lorna: Oh Mary! Such a wonderful way to kick off the Christmas season! I am so glad you got us tickets for tonight!
Mary: I am so pleased you are enjoying yourself Lorna! It’s always a pleasure to be with my dearest and oldest friend!
Lorna: Thanks, I think.
Mary: You think?
Lorna: Well, it’s nice to be thought of as your friend, not sure I like the old part.
Mary: If you will remember, Lorna, I am the one who has just left the big four-oh in the rear view mirror.
Lorna: Not by much, I will be catching up in just months!
Mary: I feel sorry for you, there oughta be a law against growing old.
Lorna: Like I always tell you, age is just a number!
Mary: Yes, an ever increasing number.
Lorna: Guess we should change the subject. They sure did a great job of decorating for tonight.
Mary: It never fails to impress me, the miracles that can be unlocked through creative use of recycled plastic Christmas trees.
Lorna: I love Christmas, don’t you?
Mary: Beats a smack on the side of the head with a ten pound hammer, I always say.
Lorna: OOOKKKKKayyyyy! Do I take that as a qualified yes?
Mary: No doubt about it. I have always eagerly anticipated the wonders of Christmas: long lines of testy shoppers, sale prices which are drastically reduced from the grossly inflated prices of summer, wonderful new toys with ten AM Christmas Day warranty, and opportunities to give heartfelt gifts which can be exchanged for what loved ones actually wanted in the first place: . . . . money!
Lorna: Oh my, sounds like we have a Scrooge in our midst. All we need are a couple of “bah-humbugs” and we are home free! I have never heard you talk like this before Mary, something wrong?
Mary: Wrong? Does it sound like there is something wrong?
Lorna: I am gonna take a flyer on this one and say . . . yep. So spill it!
Mary: You will felt he same when you get to my age Lorna! Enjoy yourself while you are young.
Lorna: Hey, time out here! If memory serves, we grew up together two doors apart, we were in the same classes right from kindergarten until post-med nursing, and have worked in the same department at University Hospital ever since.
Mary: But I am older! I am forty!
Lorna: Yes, you are Mary, you are ancient! When I was born I was sixty-one days younger than you. When I graduated from each and every class I was sixty-one days younger than you. When we became gainfully employed at the hospital I was sixty-one days younger than you. Now let me check my calendar, (pulls out day-timer), guess what? This is going to simply blow your mind! I am still sixty-one days younger than you as of this moment!
Mary: You young folk simply can’t understand what it is like to be captive in an old body.
Lorna: I beg your pardon! Young folk? Captive? Are they demanding a ransom for the return of the real Mary?
Mary: OK, fine, make fun of it! Christmas can be a busy time, and that’s good. But when you are old and alone, Christmas can be the loneliest time of the year.
Lorna: Mary, you are forty years old! That means half of your life is ahead.
Mary: It also means half of my life is behind.
Lorna: I can only see one solution.
Mary: And that would be?
Lorna, to others at the table: Can we all get together for a Christmas pity party?
Mary: Fine, don’t take me seriously! (pointing to Pop and Jessie) Look over there, they don’t look like they are having a great time either.
Group III
Pop and Jessie are talking
Pop: Now isn’t this nice! Me and my favorite daughter out, just the two of us, celebrating an early Christmas!
Jessie: Favorite is less of a stretch since I’m your only daughter.
Pop: So, how’s things at school princess?
Jessie: Same old, same old.
Pop: Still going out for debating team huh?
Jessie: Pop, debating team only went until grade six.
Pop: My guess is we have discussed this right?
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