The Harpers vs Cleavers

  • Cast Number: 12
  • Run-time: 20 minutes
  • Bible Reference: Galatians 5:22
This script places the “Leave It To Beaver” Cleaver family up against the “Mama’s Family” Harper family in a session of the “Family Feud” game show. Sets can be as elaborate as required, but are not really necessary. Midi files of the theme music for these three TV shows are easily downloadable from the internet, or contact DramaShare.
Unfortunately, in order to be realistic, it is necessary to have the Harper family quite obnoxious, and this may cause some trepidation for some churches. This quickly gives way to a “softer” Mama by the end of the drama.
If more realism is desired, there are many web sites on the Internet for each of these TV shows, simply do a search. You might also want to find midi files for Family Feud, Leave It To Beaver and Mama’s Family.
No special lighting or sound is necessary.

Cast:
Cleavers:
Father Ward Cleaver, Jr
Mother June (Evelyn Bronson Cleaver)
Son Wally (Wallace)
Son Beaver (Theodore)
Friend Eddie Haskell (Edward Clark)

Harpers:
“Mama” Thelma Crowley Harper
son Vint Harper (Naomi’s fourth husband)
daughter-in-law Naomi Oates Harper (Vint’s second wife)
sister Fran Crowley (Mama’s sister) single, journalist
grandson Bubba Higgins (Eunice’s son)

Others
Offstage voice of Gene Wood
Host Richard Dawson
Applause track, if possible, (find on internet)

Sample of script:

Gene Wood voice: Welcome to Family Feud! And now, here’s the star of our show, Richard Dawson
Richard D: Thank you, Gene Wood, good afternoon to our friends at home. Today, two families, different backgrounds. On my right, the Cleaver family, some of you may remember them from “Leave It To Beaver” reruns. Let’s have them introduce themselves.
Ward C: Good evening Mr. Dawson. My name is Ward Cleaver, Jr., and here beside me is my charming wife, June. June and I have had a wonderful marriage, and have been blessed with two wonderful boys!
June C: Thanks, darling. Next is our eldest son, Wallace Cleaver. We are so proud of Wallace. Did you know Wallace won third prize in the long jump at his school this week?
Wally C: Thanks Mom, but it wasn’t anything really . . .
June C: Isn’t that just like you, Wallace, always the self-effacing one!
Wally C: Mom! Please, and, it’s Wally!
Richard D: Ahhhhh, Wallace, Wally, introductions, please . . .
Wally C: Oh, sorry. Beside me is my kid brother, Theodore, except, we always just call him Beaver. Well, all of us except Mom, she calls him Theodore. Beaver, he’s an OK kid, for a little brother, mostly.
Beaver C: Thanks, Wally. Wally, he always stands up for me when I get in a jam, which happens quite a bit actually. Anyhow, I gotta introduce Eddie Haskell, he’s Wally’s best friend, even though I don’t ‘zactly know why on accounta he’s a bit of a rat mostly. Actually I wanted my best friend, Larry Mondello, to come here with us, but he couldn’t on accounta him and his mom went to Cincinnati with Larry’s dad whose away on business. Anyhow, Eddie, I guess you hafta talk now, but you’ve got nuthin’ to say on accounta there’s nobody else to introduce anymore.
Eddie H: Look you little, . . . (pauses, smiles at the camera, talks sweetly), . . that is, it’s just a real treat to be here Mr. Dawson. I’ve long admired you and your show.
Richard D: All right, then. That’s the Cleaver family and friend. We will be back to you in just a minute, after we introduce our other family, the Harpers. Starting off here with the matriarch of the family, Thelma Harper. Please, may I call you Thelma?
Mama: Don’t know why you’d wanna! Nobody calls me Thelma, everybody just calls me Mama. Why for would you call me Mama? Look, you’d better not be comin’ on to me, young whipper-snipper!
Richard D: Comin’ . . . , Thelma, . . . Mama! I beg your pardon!
Mama: Do all the beggin’ you want, I’m not available. My dead husband, rest his soul, dead and in his grave.
Richard D: Mama, I did not mean to sound like I was . . .
Mama: I s’pose I’m not good enough for you fancy-schmancy TV types. I’ll have you know that I’ve been around men!
Richard D: Errrr, introductions, please, Mama. Please. Introduce your wonderful family.
Mama: Wonderful? Wakey, wakey! Buncha lunatics, that’s what they are, not a brain among them!
Richard D: I believe this is your fine son, Vint Harper.
Mama: Fine son? I don’t think so! Despicable, ask me! But this hunk of despicability is the only son I’ve got, seems like! Vint here, he’s been married twice, what’s he got to show for it?
Vint H: Why, Mama, that’s not fair! Didn’t I give you two lovely grandchildren?
Mama: Not so’s I’ve ever noticed! Last I saw all you gave me was those two from your first marriage, before their mother ran off to Vegas to be a showgirl!
Vint H: Now, Mama, don’t you be saying things like that. Anyways, now it’s my pleasure to introduce my sweet wife, Naomi Oates Harper. Naomi is the woman all men want.
Mama: Can’t argue with you on that one. Last I heard, you’re her fourth husband.
Naomi H: Oh, Mama, you’re such a tease. Camera, move a little to the left would you please. That’s my best side.
Mama: Move the camera behind her and the TV ratings will soar!
Fran C: Will you people please stop it. Let me introduce myself. My name is Fran Marie Crowley. I am a journalist, and, well, I am single.
Mama: Hopin’ to attract the American sympathy vote, I take it.
Fran C: I refuse to react to that. Next to me is Bubba Higgins, that’s Mama’s youngest daughter, Eunice’s son. Bubba is . . .
Mama: . . . is a con, that’s what he is! His parents slither off to Florida to live, Bubba’s parole officer won’t let him move, he has to stay here with me. Can’t tell me Eunice and Ed didn’t know what they were doing, palming him off on me! Just my luck! Another loser grandson! But, what do you expect, run’s in the family. My husband Carl, rest his soul, more useless man never walked the face of this earth, I tell ya!

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