Desperate Pastors Wives

  • Cast Number: 20
  • Run-time: 90 minutes
  • Bible Reference: Psalm 68:3
Comedy takeoff on TV show “Desperate Housewives”.
In the town of Farview, on Hysteria Lane, lives a community of pastors and church workers, and they lived happily ever after . . . well, kinda.
An easily staged dinner theatre drama that pokes fun at all denominations, but in a kindly way.
This is an interactive drama in that at the end of the drama, (after the meal), there is a question and answer time when the audience get to question that cast about who they are in the drama. Although lists of possible questions are provided for the audience, audience may also make up their own questions. Therefore in rehearsals time should be spent on responses to possible questions.

Cast:
20 onstage (most can be either m or f)
some offstage voices (could use the voices of the onstage actors)

Narrator (onstage)

Steve Robbins, a Senior Pastor
Sharon Robbins, Steve’s wife
Robbie Robbins, Steve’s son
Amy, Robbins’ housekeeper
Mrs. Prule, leader in Steve’s church

Lyle Henderson, a Music Pastor
Lydia Henderson, Steve’s wife
Meredith Henderson, Lyle’s daughter
Melissa Henderson, Lyle’s daughter
Lonny, Lydia’s friend
Loretta (blond), Steve’s lead guitar player in Worship band

Hugh Diamond, a youth pastor
Rare Diamond, Hugh’s wife
Stone Diamond, Hugh’s son
Pearl Diamond, Hugh’s daughter
Jewel Diamond, Hugh’s daughter

Sue Adams, a church secretary
Jessica Adams, crotchety mother of Sue
Fred Jenkins, new pastor at Sue’s church


(NOTE: these families all serve in different churches)

Set:
Backdrop across the stage, shows the four houses with numbers: 13, 15, 17 & 19
In front of each house is a table with chairs
a street sign “Hysteria Lane”

Lighting:
at least one spot to focus attention on the house that is currently “on stage”

Sound:
as required and available
Song: “Praise Him All Ye Little Children” by Fanny Crosby

Costumes:
standard except for Mrs. Prule who is dressed very old fashioned, conservative

Props:
Paper and artist’s paint brush
guitar
books, magazines

Time:
90 minutes not counting meal, (varies depending on the final Q & A session)

Special Instructions:
As written the meal is served at the end of the actual drama, then followed by the Question and Answer session.
Optionally, if an earlier meal is absolutely essential, the meal could be served at the conclusion of the first round of segments (see OPTION 2 note on Page 10), however we recommend using the drama as written.

Script:

narrator opens offstage

Narrator: Welcome!
A warning!
This drama includes occasions of audible laughter and as such may be offensive to some Baptists. Viewer discretion is advised.

lights come up on stage, Narrator comes on stage

Narrator: This seemingly peaceful and serene street in Farview, USA is formally known as . . Hysteria Lane.
But beneath the apparent tranquility and calm, Hysteria Lane hides appalling secrets. . .
For here . . on Hysteria Lane . . live . . (mystery music) . . . church pastors and their families . . .

spotlight goes to first house #19

Narrator: Here, at 19 Hysteria Lane, lives the Robbins family . .

each family member walks out as name is spoken and sits at table

Narrator: There is Steve Robbins . . Senior Pastor at the local Church of God Assembly . .
And Pastor Steve . . hides a secret . .

Steve becomes frightened, looks away

Narrator: When on holidays last summer Pastor Steve was wearing a rather daring green and turquoise sweater with the saying “AOG’s do it under cover of prayer”.

Steve: Look here, I was wearing a long black trench coat over top . . . give me a break!

Narrator: Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve! . . . Will you never learn!

And Steve’s beautiful and charming wife Sharon, supposedly the darling of the local Interchurch Pastor’s Wives Auxiliary Wednesday Evening Weekly Prayer Group . . . . which meets every third Friday. . .
Sharon too hides a dirty secret . . .

Sharon, agitated: Please, please, I shall never live it down!

Narrator: Sharon Robbins, wife of the senior pastor at Farview Assembly of God Church, and she once . . .

Sharon, distraught: Please! . . . NO . . . Please!

Narrator: Aww, sorry Sharon, but here on Hysteria Lane, secrets are shattered, indiscretions laid bare. . . .
And the fact is that you . .. Sharon Robbins . . once wore a . . . two piece bathing suit!

Offstage voices, gasps, comments: “I can not believe it!” . . “And she the pastor’s wife” . . “I thought there was something amiss when she refused to play the piano in church!”, etc.

Sharon: But I was three years old at the time!

Narrator: And equally damning, the Robbins 15 year old son Robbie . .
The same Robbie who, it is rumoured, was seen leaving the . . Presbyterian church . . youth group last week . .

gasps are heard, Robbie acts alarmed, Steve and Sharon glare at Robbie, wag fingers at him
Robbins family rush into the house

spotlight down on 19 Hysteria Lane, up on 17 Hysteria Lane

each family member walks out as name is spoken and sits at table in front of their house

Narrator: And in the prim and proper bungalow at 17 Hysteria Lane lives the Henderson family. . .
Ahhh yes, . . the Hendersons!
Lyle Henderson . .
Music pastor at Kookamonga Sixth Baptist Church in Farview . .
Called Kookamonga Sixth Baptist Church because . . . well . . it was the sixth Baptist church to be built here in Farview, . . and the name Kookamonga hadn’t been taken yet.
And make no mistake, it is clearly documented that . . . Pastor Lyle and his Praise and Worship band have . . done as many as . . . 12 line repetitions . . to “Shall We Gather At The River” . . and on more than one occasion, let me just tell you!

Offstage shocked voices: “Oh no, not 12 line repetitions” . . “Say it isn’t so” . . “What do you expect from Baptists”, etc.

Narrator: Meanwhile Lyle’s wife Lydia paints a picture of a dutiful wife . .

silence, no one moves

Narrator, clears throat: Lyle’s wife Lydia paints a picture of a dutiful wife . .

more silence, still no one moves

Narrator, louder: I said . . Lyle’s wife Lydia paints a picture of a dutiful wife!

Lydia, angry, grabs paper and paint brush, starts painting: Oh give me a break, I get soooo tired of painting pictures of dutiful wives!

Narrator: Lyle and Lydia were blessed by God with two adorable daughters, Melissa and Meredith . . .

Melissa and Meredith come on stage pushing and shoving each other

Melissa: You are such a creep!

Meredith: Yeh well at least I don’t slobber down my chin when I talk, Melissa Henderson!

Melissa: Oh yeh, and I suppose you don’t slurp when you drink your hot chocolate either, dumb old Meredith?

Meredith: Better to slurp than slobber . .

Narrator, clears throat, frustrated: I said that God blessed your parents with two adorable daughters!

Melissa: Oh give it a rest!

Meredith: Nothing burns me more than a mightier-than-thou narrator!

Lyle and Lydia try to hush the girls, look embarrassed, herd the girls off stage

spotlight down on 17 Hysteria Lane, up on 15 Hysteria Lane

each family member walks out as name is spoken and sits at table in front of their house

Narrator: Yes well, moving along, . . quickly . . to 15 Hysteria Lane . . where Youth Pastor Hugh Diamond and his family from Pearly Gates Pentecostal Church live . .
. . .
Pastor Hugh . .
There was something about Youth Pastor Hugh that all the parents really appreciated . . .
Thing is they just couldn’t figure out exactly what it was . . .
You could say Pastor Hugh had charm . .
You could . . but you wouldn’t.
You could say he had a head for math . .
OK, let’s get serious here . .
You could say he had a certain air about him . .
But that is getting much too personal.
(pause)
And then there is Pastor Hugh’s wife . . .
(pause)
Hugh’s wife . . Rare . .
(pauses, looks into audience)
Rare . .
(pause, frown)
That is her name . . Rare.
I mean, what parents would name a defenceless child . . Rare?
I mean . . Rare’s maiden name was . . . are you ready for this?
Medium.
Yup, so she was . . Rare Medium.
But talk about going from the frying pan into the fire . . pun intended there. . .
(clears throat)
After Hugh and Rare got married . .
You got it . .
Her name becomes . . . Rare Diamond!
Rare . . Diamond!
I mean, give me a break here . .
I mean . . when Hugh and Rare were dating . . .did none of their family and friends clue them in? . .
Hello! . . .
Your name is gonna be like . . Rare Diamond!
(pause, clears throat)
And in due course, into this union came . . . I can’t believe I am saying this . . into this union came . . . three little gems. . .
Jewel . . and . . . Pearl . . and their son, . . Stone.

Diamond children run on stage

Jewel: Momma, Daddy . . Stone knocked me over!

Pearl: Me too! . . . Stone is too rough!

Narrator: Yes, well, anyhow . . .

Diamonds leave stage

lights down on 15 Hysteria Lane, up on 13 Hysteria Lane

Narrator: Next door, at 13 Hysteria Lane, in the cute little house with all the flowers around, lives Susan Adams . .
Sue is secretary at the local Farview United Methodist Church.
Been at the church going on 22 years now . ..
Worked with 11 Senior Pastors, 18 Youth Pastors, 23 Music Pastors . . and one volunteer Kitchen Coordinator . .
And has more scars from the Kitchen Coordinator than all the pastors combined . .
Sue lives here with her elderly mother, Jessica Adams.
Some of the neighbours say old Jessica is a mean-spirited, cantankerous witch of a woman. . .
But don’t be too hard on those neighbours.

Jessica, points over at the Diamond house: Just look there will you Sue . . those Diamond kids are spilling their soda pop all over the ground.

Sue: Well that’s OK Mother, they are having fun.

Jessica: Fun? . . All that soda pop on the ground, it will attract the squirrels!

Sue: But Mother, there have never been squirrels in this area in, never, actually.

Jessica: And that’s the way we want to keep it, OK?

Sue: They are good kids.

Jessica: Back when I was a child we was out working 16 hours a day by the time we was their age.

Sue: They are only little.

Jessica: Little schmittle! . . . I have a good mind to march right over there and set those kids straight!

Sue: Hugh is doing such a great job with the youth at the Pentecostal Church.

Jessica: No big thing, all a Pentecostal has to do is just roll around on the floor and squawk noises no one understands.

Sue: Mother, that’s not nice! . . Anyhow, it’s called speaking in tongues.

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