Easter According to Niles and Raymond

  • Cast Number: 10
  • Run-time: 60 minutes
  • Bible Reference: Luke 24
Niles and Maris Crane, Raymond and Debra Barone and their family and friends muddle through planning for Easter when unplanned visitors come along. A comedy look at how society views the Easter celebrations, could be standard or dinner theatre.

Cast:
Ray Barone
Brenda Barone
Niles Crane
Maris Crane
Frank Barone
Marie Barone
James the butler
Slapshot Stevens, the Easter Egg
Eddie the Eagle,
the Easter Rabbit
Dan, the preacher

Set: The living room at the Crane home, very richly appointed Act II is the same but a large table with empty plates

Costumes: Cranes and James would be well dressed, Barones more plainly dressed

Sample of script:

ACT I

Maris is sitting at the table going through mail, Niles enters from stage right
Maris: Dr. Crane, how nice to see you home.
Niles thoroughly wipes his shoes on the mat then moves to Maris, leans down as though to kiss, they come within a foot of each other, make gestures as though kissing, move apart again . . leave time for audience laughter as Niles picks up mail, goes through it
Niles: Maris, dear, I really do feel as though your formality, while admirable, could be construed as excessive. I truly must insist that you please call me Niles, after all we have been married for many years now.
Maris: I understand your preference Dr. Crane, errrrr, Niles, but it seems to me that we need to maintain a certain decorum, for the children you know.
Niles, does double take: But dearest, we have no children.
Maris: You are technically right, however . . .
Niles, shocked: You are not saying that you are . . we are . . .
Maris: Oh my no, no, you can be assured that should that happen I would immediately inform you via email.
Niles: Well, I assumed so, you were always the considerate one, considerate to a fault, yes, indeed. But then why do you insist on this rather strange compulsion to call me Dr. Crane rather than Niles?
Maris: Well should children come into our lives I would feel uncomfortable that they might hear me call you by your given name. And it seems dreadfully premature to refer to you as . . . “Daddy”.
Niles holds back of his hand to his forehead, rocks unsteadily on his feet
Niles: Oh my, the very thought nearly brought on my Papaphobia.
Maris: Papaphobia?
Niles: Yes dear, my fear of becoming a father.
Maris: As your loving and supportive wife I would never correct you, however I have it on good authority that Papaphobia is actually fear of the Pope.
Niles: Are you sure?
Maris: Quite sure my husband. But enough of phobias, how was your day at the practice?
Niles: Absolutely exhausting! Being a psychiatrist is incredibly demanding.
Maris: Poor dear! What was the ailment of the day?
Niles: Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
Maris: You saw a patient who is suffering OCD?
Niles, frowns: Noooo! My brother Frasier came to my office, he believes that I show classic signs of obsessive compulsive disorder. Ridiculous! (thinks) Did I clean the dust off my feet when I came in the house? (rushes to the mat and thoroughly wipes his feet)
Maris: Yes dear you did, passionately, I might say. What did Frasier have to say about your obsessive compulsive behavior . . .?
Niles turns around abruptly, holds up hand, is about to respond, Maris quickly continues
Maris: Which you do not have, I assure you.
Niles: It is quite frustrating is what! Frasier makes a big deal out of the fact that I have an extensive tongue depressor collection.
Maris: But Niles, it could seem rather strange, you are a psychiatrist, not a general practitioner, psychiatrists normally do not look down their patient’s throats, thus not normally requiring tongue depressors.
Niles, smiles, coy: GP’s look in their patient’s mouths, psychiatrists look in their patient’s wallets. (waits expectantly looking at Maris) Do you get it? It’s a psychiatric joke.
Maris, slaps her side, never breaks a smile: Niles, you are such a card!
Niles, self conscious working at fingers: Well, I must admit, I did tell that one quite good joke while in medical college, see it was all about Bill Gates and the psychiatrist who . . .
doorbell
Maris: Pardon me for breaking in on your intriguing story Niles, I unfortunately neglected to tell you that I invited the Barones next door for coffee tonight, I hope you don’t mind.
Niles: No, not at all Maris, providing that you promise me you didn’t overdo it and over-exert your frail self.
Maris: Well, it did require informing the servants to prepare for two additional people at the table but, such is my role as lady of the house.
Niles, sincere sympathy, holding Maris’ hand: My poor pumpkin! How awful for you it must have been . . ..
doorbell
Maris, makes move to stand up, Niles holds up hand to stop her: Do not move a muscle, you have done quite enough, I shall look after this! (calls out) James, will you answer the door please?

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