A Crudgemuffin Valentine

  • Cast Number: 7
  • Run-time: 45 minutes
  • Bible Reference: John 3:16-21

The "old south" is back with new characters as this comedy skit explores Valentines day marriage proposals. Useful for Valentines, family or marriage themes or just an everyday church drama skit where the theme is family relationships or Christian love.

Characters:
Beauregard Crudgemuffin, a middle aged Southern gentleman
Margaret Crudgemuffin, Beau’s genteel wife
Woodman, their butler with an attitude of disdain toward anyone but Beauregard
Scarlett Wentworth, Margaret’s loud cousin
Magnolia Crudgemuffin, Margaret's cousin and sister-in-law
Col. Braxton Burnside Crudgemuffin, USA, (Ret), Beau’s brother & Magolia’s husband
Foxworth Farnsworth Nasworthy (Foxy), Scarlett's suitor with the loud voice (It is very funny if Foxy is much shorter than Scarlett).

Setting: Crudgewood Hall

Scene I
Time: February
Setting: The Library

Woodman: (enters to announce) Mister Foxworth Farnsworth Nasworthy ...(Foxy "Ahems") ...... Esquire.
Beauregard: Ahhh, yes. Scarlett forwarned me of his eventual appearance. Send the little nipper on in. (Woodman exits, Foxy Enters)Foxy: Mr. Crudgemuffin! It is indeed an honor to make the acquaintance of my soon-to-be future cousin-in-law! You can call me Foxy.
Beauregard: Oh, may I? Mercy, do sit down, Mr. Nasworthy. I didn't realize the sun was so hot this afternoon. You appear overdue for some sort of medication. Would you care for some water? (They sit - Beau's chair faces away from the door. Foxy sits on the edge of the chair, his leg bouncing the entire time).
Foxy: I beg your pardon, sir. Mama always says I'm far too brash for my own good. However, if you'll allow me to continue, I'm sure the reason for this call will thoroughly explain the disheveled state of my faculties.
Beauregard: Well by all means, son, carry on.
Foxy: Very well, sir. Since you are the de facto head of the family and progenitor pro-tem of the Crudgemuffin lineage, it would naturally fall to you to bestow your possible blessings upon any prospective matrimonial merger between, specifically, myself and your cousin, Miss Scarlett Crudgemuffin. (Beau has gotten a glazed look in his eyes during this dissertation)
Beauregard: Uh, pardon me, son, but I seem to have dozed off. What on earth are you talking about?
Foxy: (flustered, he gets up and paces rapidly behind Beau’s chair causing Beau to twist his head back and forth) Well... I, I, what I mean to inquire, um, ask, is that, um - regarding that which would be pertaining to those items regarding a certain relative of the female persuasion........
Beauregard: It seems to me you have choked down an entire dictionary and have chosen my drawing room in which to regurgitate your inimitable brand of syntax. Are you by any chance inquiring about the hand of my little cousin Scarlett?
Foxy: Why, I, uh guess, um - yes. Yes sir. I believe I am (collapsing in chair)!
Beauregard: (Rises and goes to rear of Foxy’s chair) Well, my word, son! You throw words around like a Philadelphia lawyer at a horse auction!
Foxy: I do apologize, sir. Sometimes my stronger emotions do get the better of me, but I want to take advantage of Valentine’s Day so my proposal will be romantic for Miss Scarlett.
Beauregard: (Sits in his chair) Just how long have you known dear cousin Scarlett? And how do you intend to support her? I mean, just what is it that you do, young sir?
Foxy: Actually, sir, I am an attorney and junior partner with the firm of Watelby, Bartleby, Abercrombie & Schwartz..... Ltd.
Beauregard: Well, knock me over with a feather.
Foxy: I currently am in charge of their stationary vehicular violations litigations.
Beauregard: Parking tickets.
Foxy: (pause a beat, thinking) Well said, sir. And furthermore, I assure you that not only are my intentions exemplary in their virtuosity, I should have no difficulty at all supporting dear Miss Scarlett in the style to which she has become accustomed.
Beauregard: We'll see about that. What about the circular metallic seal to these intentions?
Foxy: Sir?
Beauregard: The ring, son, the ring. Even if I do grant my blessing - which I have not as of yet - this shy, retiring flower of the south....
Foxy: Are you talking about Miss Scarlett?

The rest of this script, (and all 2,000+ DramaShare scripts), is available at no charge to DramaShare members, or the individual script can be purchased by non-members.

Membership Price: $0.00
Non-Membership Price: $20.00





 

Subscribe to Newsletter

Something new is coming... Stay up
to date with DramaShare!