Being Kinda Quiet

  • Cast Number: 3
  • Run-time: 30 minutes
  • Bible Reference: Psalm 46:10

Everyone has heard of iPod, iPhone and iPad, but now we have iCures, (as in maniCures, pediCures) and iWax, (as in waxing), . . .  well you get the idea.
A 6 segment comedy focuses on two women from a ladies church group who attend a day spa . .  well a kinda day spa. The spa owner is . . . well . .  unique.
The theme is “be still and know” and each segment draws out that theme.
Appropriate for women’s retreat or conference, or for any other purpose.
Could be performed as a dinner theatre.

Cast: 3 females, likely middle age
Sue is a fairly with-it kind of lady
Judy is definitely not
Wanda is the spa operator, VERY loud and wearing VERY loud clothing

Costumes: all standard except for Wanda’s which are loud, garish and outlandish

Props: papers to indicate brochures
2 lounges for spa
oversize umbrella drink accessories
Could have a sign for “Happy Hushed Hound Day Spa”
Small signs: iCure, iWax, iCleanse, iWrap, iFace, iMassage, iTea’d, iStill, iCalm, iQuiet, 1-800-iHelpUs

Sample of script:

Judy and Sue walk on stage, hesitant, looking around to show it is a new place for them

Sue: Are we really sure we want to do this,  . .  I mean . . .

Judy: Sue, Sue, Sue! . . . . . You know this is what we wanted . . . A new look, new image . .  a new me!

Sue: But this . . . . this . . . place.
(picks up a brochure, reads)
“The Happy Hushed Hound Day Spa”
Exactly what makes a hound happy?

Judy: How am I supposed to know what makes a hound happy?

Sue, looking at brochure:
My guess is that any dumb old hound would be over-the-moon happy to see allegedly smart humans paying these crazy prices!

Judy: Sue dear . . . it’s only money . .  and wait til wonderful Wanda weaves her wonders!

Sue, confused: Wonderful? . . . . . . Wanda? . . .  Weaves? . . .  Wonders? . . . . Who’s Wanda?

Wanda, runs on stage:
Someone called for wonderful Wanda?

Sue, in shock: What is that?

Wanda: I am wonderful Wanda, the weaver of wonders!

Sue, takes a few steps back:
Just exactly what type of wonders are we talking about here, exactly?

Wanda: Well just calm down, be still, wait til you hear the wonderful wonders that Wanda will weave for you winsome women . . .

Sue: Well Wanda I just wonder when we women wade through the worrisome wealth of wonders if we will really win.

Wanda: Well said! . . . How wonderfully wacky of you.

Judy: I don’t think I have properly introduced everyone . . . . Wanda, this is my dear friend Sue, and of course you remember me, I am Judy.

Wanda: Very well then . . . (to Sue) . . . You asked what you could expect here at the Happy Hushed Hound Day Spa . . . Untold treasures await you dear ladies! . .  We like to start out with our . . . (proudly shows iCures sign) . . . iCures Program.

Sue, confused: “iCures program”?

Wanda, losing patience:
Amateurs! . . . .  You of course have heard of iPhones, iPods, iPads . . . Now we have iCures  . . . . As in man . . iCures, ped . . . iCures. . . ..  After this we move on to waxing, wraps, facials, massage, Detox and the ever important relaxing with ice tea.

Judy: That seems rather extensive . . .  are you sure your people are properly trained and licensed?

Wanda: Oh but naturally! . . . All estheticians must go through extensive training and must be licensed by the state. . . . (thinks) . . ..  Except my people are not licensed to work on dead bodies. . . . (pauses, worried look) . . . None of the ladies in your group are dead are they?

Judy: Well the jury is out on Frieda Gushulak but with that possible exception, we are likely OK.

Wanda: You gotta excuse me, time for drumming up some business out on the street.

Sue: Business not so good?

Wanda: Let me give it to you straight! . . .  Business is never so good that it couldn’t be better!
(walks downstage, screams out)
Come on in ladies!
Calm down and be still!
Get your body beautiful here at The Happy Hushed Hound Day Spa!
Come on in and get it y’alls!

Wanda leaves stage

Sue: That’s some voice! . . . Did she not say “calm down and be still”?

Judy: Likely “calm down be still” means different things to different folks.

Sue, points at Wanda:
If you ever wanted proof of that just step right up! . . . I just hope the rest of the ladies in our women’s retreat find Wonderful Wanda wonderful. . .  I mean, the voice level is a bit piercing!

Judy: Likely we could tell them Wanda has escaped from an Elvis Impersonator convention and her hearing has been forever damaged.

Sue: That could maybe explain the hearing and the voice but how do we explain her taste in clothing?

Judy: Likely we could say that Wanda is on a lifelong journey toward retro costume design.

Sue: And she fluked the entrance exam.

Judy: Or we can remind the ladies that the theme of the conference is “calm” and in order to really know calm it’s important to experience the total lack of calm.

Wanda comes back on stage

Wanda: Ladies, time is a’wastin’ y’alls! . .. Time to get on with the piece of heaven that we call iCures!

Sue: Well I am cool with a manicure . . .

Wanda: That is maniCure . . .

Sue: But I gotta tell you I have some major concerns about a pedicure.

Wanda, annoyed:
pediCure . . . .  pediCure . . . . Really ladies, get with the program! . .  Remember you are now in the republic of the Happy Hushed Hound Day Spa. . .
Out there it may be manicure and pedicure but here it`s maniCure and pediCure  And like I always say, when in Rome do as the Romanians do!
Now then, enough chit chat, onward and upward to take you to the body beautiful from . ..  (looks Judy and Sue up and down) . . . Help!. . .  From what you are now.

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