Description

Listen up youse guys. The local mob family has been bought out by a new family.
So changes are coming. And to further complicate things along comes super cop, Lieutenant Colombo, bumbling his way through the investigation of the cold case murder of one Tommy Gunn.
This dinner theatre provides narration through a singing (badly) group of troubadours who keep the action coming fast and . . well . . . silly, actually. Their songs are of course original, actually no one would admit to writing these silly songs.
There is a planned intermission for the meal or dessert, and the audience get to be judge and jury to decide who is the guilty one.
A fun, and funny look at the (maybe not quite real) mob scene

Cast: 12

• 12 or more, (any number of non-speaking extras)
• Pinkie, likely male, the old mob boss
• Mugsie, likely male
• Cabbage, likely male
• Tenderboy, male
• Martha, male
• Tall Linda, female, the new mob owner, a short person
• Boots, female, the new mob boss
• Winnie the Wink, female, short
• Colombo, male, cop
• Singer(s) male or female, may be three or more persons, (singing talent is VERY optional and should be less than desirable)

Bible Reference: Ecclesiastes 10:19

Set:

• tables and chairs

Sound: wireless mics if available

Song:

• Mobsters All. Copyright DramaShare to tune of Happy Wanderer, (info online)
• Song is not well sung by not great singers
• For music search “Happy Wanderer” at: http://www.grandpaschober.com/

Lighting: standard

SFX:

• Organ music

Props:

• playing cards
• musical instrument(s) for singers, could be guitar, but the more wacky the
  better, (such as accordion, triangle, cymbals, etc)
• fake gun in holster

Costumes:

• Colombo is dressed in old scruffy trench coat
• singers and actors dressed in black gangster-type suits
• Boots has high boots

Special Instructions:

Time: 90

Sample of script:

Singers come on stage, hum to find the right key, all are on different key, singing very badly

Singers: Hummmmmmmmmmmmmm
(clear throats)
This story now we bring to you
We sing it loud and strong
We never once have sung before
Who knows if we last long

Our tale of woe we bring to youse
A tale of right and wrong
We sing of those who evil do
Like us they won’t last long

Mobsters here, mobsters there
Mobsters all
Give us all the evil we can bear
A heist, someone iced
Enjoyin’ what we do

Big Al he was the mobster king
He ran a happy mob
Pinkie, Mugsie, Tenderboy
Was in for every job

Big Al he needed time to rest
He needed time to think
The winds of change they start to blow
And man those winds can stink

Mobsters here, mobsters there
Mobsters all
Give us all the evil we can bear
A heist, someone iced
Enjoyin’ what we do

singers off stage

group of mobsters are sitting around, some playing cards, some asleep in chairs, Mugsie jumps up from his chair at the card table, pats his gun, shouts

Mugsie: All right, all of youse! Hands up on the table where I can see what youse are doin’! And don’t even think’a touchin’ those cards!

Pinkie who was sleeping falls out of his chair, stands up, annoyed

Pinkie: Hey what’s goin’ on Mugsie, you know full well I was catchin’ twenty z’s here! You do that again, gonna find you could be restin’ comfortable on a slab in the morgue.

Mugsie: Ahh Pinkie, I took all I could’a took, these here street crew wise guyz I been playin’ cards with, they must take me for a fool.

Fingers: What ya moanin’ about Mugsie, just a sore loser is what you are!

Mugsie, grabs Fingers by the collar, shakes him: So I am a sore loser am I Fingers? Let me show you a sore loser!

Pinkie: Chill Mugsie, let Fingers be. Tell me, what’s got you frothin’ at the mouth.

Mugsie: These dudes are cheatin’ me at cards here!

chorus of forced and phoney disbelief

Martha: How can ya say such a thing about me, I am your bud, remember?

Cabbage: Ya hurt me bad when ya make that kinda accusation, unfounded and hurtful is what!

Tenderboy: Doncha remember, it was us guys what caused a diversion when you was bein’ busted last month?

Mugsie: What you talkin’ ‘bout Tenderboy, caused a diversion? Youse guys raced away, left me to face the feds!

Cabbage: So our idea didn’t quite work out, we figgered that the fuzz would chase us, and leave you be, so’s that you could escape. . . . Ya that’s it!

Martha: Ya Mugsie, our hearts was in the right place, trust us.

Mugsie: Right Martha, like I am gonna trust youse guys for a minute, ya right!

Pinkie: Enough’a this, now Mugsie, you gonna tell me what’s your beef with these folks or what, remember we are family here, and as the unofficial spot of the family . . .

Cabbage: The spot? You, the . . . . boss . . . of the family? Since when did somebody die and make you the spot Pinkie?

Pinkie, menacingly: Since I, Pinkie the Punk, say so, somebody maybe gonna challenge me . .? Maybe you, Cabbage?

Cabbage, backing down: Me, I never said nothin’ Pinkie, I mean, I’m . . .

Pinkie: Good. And maybe don’t forget real quick, OK Cabbage? . . . Now then,Mugsie, what beef you bringin’ against these fine gentlemen?

Mugsie: These . . . fine . . . gentlemen . . and I use the term with a bunch’a looseness . . . these fine gentlemen bin cheatin’ me at cards here.

Pinkie: So ya say Mugsie . . but what, like, proof ya got?

Mugsie, holds up card: See this card Pinkie?

Pinkie: So what’s this Mugsie, flash card time at preschool? Ten’a diamonds, what does that prove?

Mugsie: Look again Pinkie, real close this time.

Pinkie: I ain’t got my glasses Mugsie, what say you tell me?

Mugsie: Well you was close Pinkie, it for sure is diamonds. But if ya counts them they is eleven diamonds. And last I hear, ten’a diamonds got . . like . .ten diamonds on the card . . believe it or not. . . . Now then, you figger I maybe got a beef?

Pinkie: Not sure, what would your beef be?

Mugsie: My beef would be that these losers is playin’ with a phoney deck’a cards.

Pinkie: “Phoney?” . . . . Awwwww, now that is harsh! . . . Real harsh! . . .Marginal truth deficient perhaps . . . but “phoney?” . . . . Much too harsh!

Cabbage: I for sure love that lawyer talk you talk Pinkie!

Pinkie: Thanks for sayin’ that Cabbage, I do appreciate it for sure.

Tenderboy, with great admiration:
You say you are a pure for sure lawyer Pinkie? Wowww! Only time I got to talk to a real genuine lawyer was when I was up on that bum B&E rap. And that lawyer had a real unfortunate accident after he got me off.

Martha: How come Big Al had your lawyer iced anyhow?

everyone shows terror and fright, Pinkie grabs Martha by collar, yells in his face

Pinkie: What you name boy?

Martha, afraid: Martha.

Pinkie: Well, listen here Martha! When ya gonna learn you don’t never, as in never, take the name of the big boss Big Al in vain? Now don’t never let that happen again, hear! Big Al is an upstandin’ business man, a pillar’a the community is what, dealin’ in works of art replicas of pictures of some of our greatest presidents, on numbered wallet sized engravin’s. Got it?

Martha, now really scared: Ya . . yes . . yes Mr. Pinkie, sir! I didn’t mean to . . .

Pinkie, pushing Martha aside: Get outta my sight, and don’t you never say sumpin’ like that ever again!

Martha runs off stage, frightened

Tenderboy: Pinkie, doncha think you was a bit severe with the boy?

Pinkie: Severe? Look Tenderboy, I’ll give you severe! Kid runnin’ off at the mouth, could get us all killed.

Tenderboy: Martha ain’t gonna go talk to no cops, I can vouch for that Pinkie.

Pinkie: I ain’t talking about the cops, if ever Big Al heard that some of our wise guys was runnin’ around sayin’ he had someone iced . . well, just use your imagination a bit, I beg of you .. . Anyhow, what kinda name is Martha for a guy anyhow?

Cabbage: Martha’s mom she bad wanted a baby girl, that’s really all she ever wanted outta life. And it wasn’t for lack of effort I tell ya, she had twenty-five . . no wait . . twenty-six kids. And here she was disappointed again. So she calls him Martha anyways.

Pinkie: There’s a moral somewhere deep down in that story, I am for sure

Cabbage. Likely real deep, unavailable maybe.

Cabbage: Speakin’a Big Al . . . which we all do with the greatest’a reverence and love of course . . . why ain’t we seen him around of late?

Mugsie: Word on the street is Big Al headed down to Florida for some R&R, you heard that too Pinkie?

Pinkie: Mugsie, I ain’t sayin’ yes and I ain’t sayin’ no. But fact is, and keep this under your hats, Big Al is lookin’ for . . . shall we say . . new investment and franchisin’ opportunities.

Cabbage, thinking: “Franchisin’ opportunities” . . . You mean like Taco Bell and Uncle Wally’s Hamster Stands? Like the mob is goin’ into . . .

Pinkie: What’s with you people. First Martha speakin’ sacrilege behind Big Al’s back, now Cabbage usin’ the “M” word! I tell ya, this is not . . I repeat, is not, a mob, this is a progressive, forward thinkin’ financial and protective service organization promotin’ the good of the human person. Now youse all got that?

Mugsie: Mostly I did boss, except I missed the part after “what’s with you people”.

Pinkie: Ya know I am gettin’ to the point where I have about had it with you people and I . . .

Tall Linda and bodyguards come on stage
Actors all freeze as singers come on stage

Singers: Hummmmmmmmmmmmmm
(clear throats)
Big Al away another day
He’ll ain’t be comin’ back
The old gang out, no use to pout
There’s always marks to smack

In days of yore good mobs was built
On guys what fight and brawl
Progressive mobsters now can see
The family run by dolls

Mobsters here, mobsters there
Mobsters all
Give us all the evil we can bear
A heist, someone iced
Enjoyin’ what we do

singers off stage, actors come live