Theme:      In the town of Churchville, on Religiosity Road, lives a community of clergy and church workers, and they lived happily ever after . . . well, kinda. And they propitiated a partnership of pastors. Which in plain English means they set out to win or regain favor by doing things that please.
An easily staged drama that pokes fun at all denominations, but in a kindly way.
Bible Reference:      Psalms 68:3

 

Cast:        24 onstage (some can be either m or f)
some offstage voices (could use the voices of the onstage actors)

Narrator (onstage)

Steve Robbins, a Senior Pastor Assembly of God    at #19
Sharon Robbins, Steve’s wife
Robbie Robbins, Steve’s son
Amy, Robbins’ housekeeper
Mrs. Prule, leader in Steve’s church

Lyle Henderson, a Music Pastor Kookamonga Sixth Baptist  at #17
Lydia Henderson, Steve’s wife
Meredith Henderson, Lyle’s daughter
Melissa Henderson, Lyle’s daughter
Lonny, Lydia’s friend
Loretta (not really wise), Steve’s lead guitar player in Worship band

Hugh Diamond, a youth pastor Pearly Gates Pentecostal     at #15
Rare Diamond, Hugh’s wife
Stone Diamond, Hugh’s son
Pearl Diamond, Hugh’s daughter
Jewel Diamond, Hugh’s daughter

Mordecai Rosenberg, rabbi Jewish Temple           at #13
Reb Rosenberg, Mordecai’s wife (Rebbetzin)
Aryeh, Mordecai’s son (Ari means Lion)
Priest Ralph    Oxford Street Catholic Church       at #11
Momma, Ralph’s mother

Sue Adams, church secretary United Methodist Church      at #9
Jessica Adams, crotchety mother of Sue (alike to Sophia of Golden Girls TV)
Fred Jenkins, new pastor at Sue’s church

(NOTE: these families all serve in different churches)

 

Set:         Backdrop across stage, shows six house fronts, numbered: 9, 11, 13, 15, 17, 19
In front of each house is a table with chairs
a street sign “Religiosity Road”

 

Lighting:     at least one spot to focus attention on the house that is currently “on stage”

 

Sound:      as required and available
Song: “Praise Him All Ye Little Children” by Fanny Crosby

 

Costumes:    standard except for Jessica & Mrs. Prule who are dressed very old fashioned, conservative

 

Props:       Paper and artist’s paint brush
guitar
books, magazines
purse with shoulder strap for Jessica

 

Time:        90 minutes

 

Special Instructions:   Could be performed as a dinner theatre with meal served at midpoint or end or could be performed as two separate dramas.

 

Sample of script:

 

narrator opens offstage

 

Narrator:      Welcome!
A warning!
This drama includes occasions of audible laughter and as such may be offensive to some Baptists. Viewer discretion is advised.

 

lights come up on stage, Narrator comes on stage

 

Narrator:      This seemingly peaceful and serene street in Churchville, USA is formally known as . .  Religiosity Road.
But beneath the apparent tranquility and calm, Religiosity Road hides appalling secrets. . .
For here . . on Religiosity Road . . live . . (mystery music) . . . church pastors, worship pastors, youth pastors, rabbis, priests and their families . . .

 

All, in shock, gasp:
The priest’s family?

 

Narrator:      Well the priest has his family too!

 

All:          more in shock, louder gasps

 

Narrator:      Oh give me a break! . . I mean . . OK, just hang on, you will find out all the details in due course.

 

spotlight goes to first house #19

 

Narrator:      Here, at 19 Religiosity Road, lives the Robbins family . .

 

each family member walks out as name is spoken and sits at table

 

Narrator:      There is Steve Robbins . .  Senior Pastor at the local Church of God Assembly . .
And Pastor Steve . .  hides a secret . .

 

Steve becomes frightened, looks away

 

Narrator:      When on holidays last summer Pastor Steve was wearing a rather daring green and turquoise sweater with the saying “AOG’s do it under cover of prayer”.

 

Steve:        Look here, I was wearing a long black trench coat over top . . . no one could read the message . . . give me a break!

 

Narrator:      Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve! . . . Will you ever learn!
And Steve’s beautiful and charming wife Sharon, supposedly the darling of the local Interchurch Pastor’s Wives Auxiliary Wednesday Evening Weekly Prayer Group . . . . which meets every third Friday. . .
Sharon too hides a dirty secret . . .

 

Sharon, agitated:
Please, please, stop or I shall never live it down!

 

Narrator:      Sharon Robbins, wife of the senior pastor at Churchville Assembly of God Church, and she once  . . .

 

Sharon, distraught:
Please! . . . NO . . . Please spare me!

 

Narrator:      Aww, sorry Sharon, but here on Religiosity Road, secrets are shattered, indiscretions laid bare. . . .
And the fact is that you . ..  Sharon Robbins . . once wore a . . . two-piece bathing suit!

 

Offstage voices, gasps, comments:
“I can not believe it!” . .  “And she the pastor’s wife” . .  “I thought there was something amiss when she refused to play the piano in church!”, etc.

 

Sharon:       But I was just three years old at the time!
Narrator:      And equally damning, the Robbins 15 year old son Robbie’s exploits. . . The same Robbie who, it is rumoured, was seen leaving the . .  Presbyterian church . .  youth group last week . .

 

gasps are heard, Robbie acts alarmed, Steve and Sharon glare at Robbie, wag fingers at him

Robbins family rush into the house offstage

spotlight down on 19 Religiosity Road, up on 17 Religiosity Road

 

Narrator:      And in the prim and proper bungalow at 17 Religiosity Road lives the Henderson family. . .
Ahhh yes,  . . the Hendersons!
Lyle Henderson . .
Music pastor at Kookamonga Sixth Baptist Church in Churchville . .
Called Kookamonga Sixth Baptist Church because . . . well . .  it was the sixth Baptist church to be built here in Churchville, . .  and the name Kookamonga hadn’t been taken yet.
And make no mistake, it is clearly documented that . . . Pastor Lyle and his Praise and Worship band have . . done as many as . . . 12 line repetitions  . . to “Shall We Gather At The River” . .  and on more than one occasion, let me just tell you!

 

Offstage shocked voices:
“Oh no, not 12 line repetitions” . .  “Say it isn’t so” . . “What do you expect from Baptists”, etc.

 

Narrator:      Meanwhile Lyle’s wife Lydia paints a picture of a dutiful wife . .

 

silence, no one moves

 

Narrator, clears throat:
Lyle’s wife Lydia paints a picture of a dutiful wife . .

 

more silence, still no one moves

 

Narrator, louder:
I said . .  Lyle’s wife Lydia paints a picture of a dutiful wife!

 

Lydia, angry, grabs paper and paint brush, starts painting:
Oh give me a break, I get soooo tired of painting pictures of dutiful wives!

 

Narrator:      Lyle and Lydia were blessed by God with two adorable daughters, Melissa and Meredith . . .

 

Melissa and Meredith come on stage pushing and shoving each other

 

Melissa:      You are such a creep!

 

Meredith:     Yeh well at least I don’t slobber down my chin when I talk, Melissa Henderson!

 

Melissa:      Oh yeh, and I suppose you don’t slurp when you drink your hot chocolate either, dumb old Meredith?

 

Meredith:     Better to slurp than slobber . .

 

Narrator, clears throat, frustrated:
I said that God blessed your parents with two adorable daughters!

 

Melissa:      Oh give it a rest!

 

Meredith:     Nothing burns me more than a mightier-than-thou narrator!

 

Lyle and Lydia try to hush the girls, look embarrassed, herd the girls off stage

spotlight down on 17 Religiosity Road, up on 15 Religiosity Road

 

Narrator:      Yes well, moving along,  . .  quickly . . to 15 Religiosity Road . . where Youth Pastor Hugh Diamond and his family from Pearly Gates Pentecostal Church live.
Yes, yes, Pastor Hugh . .
There was something about Youth Pastor Hugh that all the parents really appreciated . . .
Thing is they just couldn’t figure out exactly what it was . . .
You could say Pastor Hugh had charm . .
You could . .  but you wouldn’t.
You could say he had a head for math . .
OK, let’s get serious here . .
You could say he had a certain air about him . .
But that is getting much too personal.
(pause)
And then there is Pastor Hugh’s wife . . .
(pause)
Hugh’s wife . . Rare . .
(pauses, looks into audience)
Rare . .
(pause, frown)
That is her name. . . Rare.
I mean, what parents would name a defenceless child . . Rare?
I mean . . Rare’s maiden name was . . . are you ready for this?
Medium.
Yup, so she was . . Rare Medium.
But talk about going from the frying pan into the fire . . pun intended there. . .
(clears throat)
After Hugh and Rare got married . .
You got it . .
Her name becomes . . .  Rare Diamond!
Rare . . Diamond!
I mean, give me a break here . .
I mean . .  when Hugh and Rare were dating . . .did none of their family and friends clue them in? . .
Hello! . . .
Your name is gonna be like . .  Rare Diamond!
(pause, clears throat)
And in due course, into this union came . . . I can’t believe I am saying this . .  into this union came . . . three little gems. . .
Daughters Jewel . . and . . . Pearl . .  and their son,  . . Stone.

 

Diamond children run on stage

 

Jewel:        Momma, Daddy . . Stone bumped into me!

 

Pearl:        Me too! . . . Stone is too rough!

 

Narrator:      Yes, well, anyhow . . .

 

Diamonds leave stage

lights down on 15 Religiosity Road, up on 13 Religiosity Road

 

Narrator:      On to 13 Religiosity Road, home of Mordecai Rosenberg, he the head of the Churchville Jewish Temple.

 

Mordecai comes on stage

 

Narrator:      Mordecai is a prominent man-about-town, on the board of many local charities, often sought after for his financial expertise and wisdom.
(pauses, thinks)
Yet Mordecai drives a 1997 Volvo, hardly the car of choice for the well-to-do!

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