Kell's Kitchen

  • Cast Number: 18
  • Run-time: 50 minutes

Super cop Colombo is investigating an alleged 8426B, (promoting excessive fun and hilarity), at a local church run cafe.
A comedy dinner theatre piece, excellent for outreach, with the message of creating and celebrating a loving church family.

Bible Reference:        


Cast:                18, likely most are youth to middle age
Colombo, middle age+
Steve (Kellie’s husband)
Kellie (Steve’s wife, on staff at church)
Mel (Kellie’s sister)
Nancy (Bill’s wife)
Bill (Nancy’s husband)
Mark (Kim’s husband)
Kim (Mark’s husband)
Diane, (also known as Tina)
Freda (Russian lady)
Connie (in her 60’s, tennis player)
Rosalie (Anna’s sister)
Anna (Rosalie’s sister)
Donna (Brian’s wife)
Brian (Donna’s husband)


Set:                a church kitchen


Lighting, Sound:         standard


Music:           closing music “The Family Of God” by Bill & Gloria Gaither


Costumes:     all except Kellie wear aprons, Colombo wears old trench coat


Props:            Colombo’s notepad, pastor’s notepad, lots of pens, ketchup bottles, napkins, badge for Colombo, tennis racquet


Special Instructions:  
Number of onstage characters could be reduced by having some characters being offstage voices and Colombo speaks to them as if they were onstage but out of the audiences view.


Time:             50


Sample of script:           


all actors except Colombo are on stage, scurrying around, happy chatter

after a few seconds Colombo comes on stage, turns back, speaks off stage


Colombo:        No, I said stay! . .  Sit! . . . Stay!


Kellie is eyeing what is going on, approaches Colombo


Kellie:             Excuse me sir, may I help you?


Colombo:        No, that’s just fine ma’am, it’s just that . . .
(turns back to offstage, speaks)
Look, I gave you an order, that’s the end of it . . you sit right there, don’t move a muscle, now I won’t speak again!
(turns back to Kellie)
So sorry, ma’am, it’s just that he isn’t real good at listening, know what I mean?


Kellie:             Well, sir, if you are here for dinner, thing is this is the kitchen. Our customers enter at the front door and  . .


Colombo:        Oh no ma’am you got me all wrong, I didn’t come here to eat . . I mean, I am sure your food is delicious and tasty and all but . . .


Colombo turns back to offstage, speaks more firmly


Colombo:        I told you to sit, alright, now don’t so much as move a muscle or I will be back out there to deal with you, capeesh?


Kellie, annoyed:        
Sir, I don’t know who you have out there but that is no way to talk to anyone . .


Colombo, speaks to offstage:
Dog . .  I mean it, now sit!


Kellie, shock:  I beg your pardon sir! . . Around here we don’t allow anyone to speak to anyone that way, call them names . .


Colombo:        Oh no, ma’am, you got me all wrong. . .  I was talking to my dog see and . .


Kellie:             OK, well perhaps if you treated your dog properly, called him by his name . .


Colombo:        That is his name ma’am . . Dog. . .


Kellie:             Well maybe if you dealt with the animal in a nicer way, gave him a tender sounding name . . .


Colombo:        Well, ma’am, see my wife and me, we hoped to pick the dog's name by watching him to see what he does, but all the dog does is drool and snore; and just doesn’t seem right to call a dog “Drool” or even “Snore” for that matter. I tried for a bit to call him Beethoven but he didn’t like it so we just call him Dog.


Kellie:             Well sir, if you didn’t come here to eat, then exactly why are you here, and who are you anyhow? . .  Sorry to be short with you but it’s a very busy night here at the church cafe and . .


Colombo:        Oh I get it! . . . This here is a church and the church runs a cafe . . .


Kellie:             I am amazed at how quickly you connected the dots on that one . . .


Colombo:        Not exactly my department but I assume you folks here at the church got a licence for operating a dining facility?


Kellie:             And just exactly who are you to be asking those questions . . .Mister . . whoever you are.


Colombo:        So sorry ma’am, you’ll have to forgive me, (shows badge), Lieutenant Colombo ma’am, NYPD and I . .


Kellie:             NYPD? . .  What would NYPD be doing away out here?


Colombo:        On special assignment ma’am, (pulls out his notebook), here to investigate an alleged 8426B . .


Kellie, confused:       


Colombo:        B . . .  8426B ma’am.


Kellie:             Whatever that means.


Colombo:        Promoting excessive fun and hilarity ma’am.


Kellie:             I have never heard of anything so silly, I mean . .


Colombo:        Don’t pay no attention to me ma’am, me I’m gonna just go nosing around, see if I can find what’s behind the alleged incidents. . .  Excuse me ma’am . . .
(starts to walk away, stops, slaps his forehead, turns back to Kellie)
Ma’am forgive me . . where is my mind?
I never asked your name ma’am.


Kellie:             I am Kellie.


Colombo flips through notebook


Colombo:        Oh yeh, here we are . . . Kellie, staff member here at the church, married to Brian Adams . . .


Kellie, shock:  What are you talking about, you have my information all wrong!


Colombo:        You saying you aren’t on staff here?


Kellie:             No . .  I mean yes. I mean I am married but not to Brian Adams. . . My husband is Steve.


Colombo checks notebook, writes


Colombo:        Married to both Steve and Brian . . . Ma’am my bosses down at the precinct, they for sure are gonna some love this. .


Kellie:             Noooooo! I am not married to Brian. . .  Donna is married to Brian.


Colombo:        This here gets better by the minute! . .  So this Brian dude has two wives . . . Maybe you didn’t know but polygamy is seriously frowned on here in the US of A. . . Frowned on to the point of being an activity punishable by law, ma’am.


Kellie:             Do you have any idea just how frustrating you are? . . . I am not married to Brian!


Colombo, holds up paper:     
Oh, so you mean this marriage certificate is a forgery ma’am? . .
You know ma’am, I know some of these things they do go on but my bosses down at the precinct they go bananas over these discrepancies.
All I will say for now is don’t plan any trips out of town before my investigation is wrapped up. . .  I won’t take up any more of your time ma’am. . .  I do appreciate, for sure, ma’am.


Colombo starts to walk away, stops, thinks, turns back


Colombo:        Sorry Kellie . . . Just a little thing, likely don’t mean anything, but something just doesn’t add up here. . . You say you are on staff, work in the kitchen, out front, but if that’s true, ma’am, how come you are the only one here wearing t-shirt and jeans? . .  Wouldn’t you say an apron would be in order ma’am?


Kellie:             Look, it just happens that I don’t like wearing an apron . . . (smiles) . . Guess you could say I am allergic to aprons.


Colombo:        I gotta write that down . . (takes out notebook, searches for a pen) . . I seem to have lost my pen . .  You wouldn’t happen to have a . . . (Kellie gives Colombo a pen) . . . Let’s see . . allergic to aprons . .  Uh huh. . . . My boss down at the precinct, he is gonna be doin’ cartwheels over this one, I tell ya, ma’am.


Colombo puts her pen in his pocket, Kellie shakes her head in frustration, Colombo moves to Nancy and Bill


Colombo:        Excuse me sir, ma’am . . Lieutenant Colombo, NYPD . . (flips through notebook) Nancy and Bill Thompson, am I right?


Bill:                 I am Bill, Nancy is the good looking half of our family.


Colombo, looks closely at both:       
I can see that sir . .


Nancy:            I beg your pardon Lieutenant, are you saying my husband isn’t good looking? . .  I mean, I think he is kinda gorgeous actually. . . (thinks) . . .  except on days ending in the letter “Y” maybe . .


Colombo, looks closely at Nancy:    
Begging your pardon ma’am . .  When I look at you all I think of is . . “Mama Mia”!


Nancy, preens:           
I think it’s the way I do my hair . .


Colombo:        Sorry ma’am, it’s more the fantastic pizzas you make. . .  (thumbs through notebook) . . . See, says, right here . . . “Known to make outstanding pizzas.” . . . Say’s it right here, ma’am. . . .  Mama Mia!


Bill:                 Lieutenant, are you making jokes about my wife? . . . I’ll have you know that’s my job.


Colombo:        And I am sure you do your job very well, sir. . .  Very well indeed, for sure, sir.


Nancy:            Lieutenant, are you saying my husband makes jokes about me?


Colombo:        Oh no ma’am I am sorry, I just . .


Nancy:            Actually Bill does make jokes about me . . . Like when he told everyone he went to his lawyer and told the lawyer he was looking to get a divorce because I hadn't spoken to him in six months . . .


Bill:                 Lawyer told me to think it over, “wives like that are hard to find!”


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